The Best Laid Plans....

Subtitle: Laughing all the way

Robert Burns (the Scots poet who wrote the poem "To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough, November 1785") surely was not the first to describe how essentially futile are our animal efforts to make something out of the universal entropy.  But since he did, his words are the ones many people use to express the concept, including the great American novelist John Steinbeck.  

I think that the year formerly known as 2020 has given us all a healthy serving of humble pie in place of our usual recipe of masterful planning.  

Take heart though.  Burns commiserates:  

"But Mousie, you are not alone
In proving foresight may be vain
The best-laid schemes of mice and men
Often go awry
And leave us nothing but grief and pain
For promised joy!"

We all thought we were adulting pretty well, right? We thought our i's were dotted and our t's were crossed. We had enough life insurance, our kids' afternoon's were stuffed full of all-important after-school enrichment activities, our kitchens and garages had all the necessary gadgets, the cars were waxed, the budgets balanced, our mascara touched up. Just as soon as we got our tax return, we would get right to work on replacing that roof/fence/sod/bedroom set. We had our cruise all set up for Spring Break, and our summer vacation camps arranged. Everything was planned out, just so.

And then, in painfully slow motion, and yet faster than I've ever known anything to happen before in this world, everything changed. All the plans were laid waste. There was grieving for what we had lost, while at the same time we all breathed a giant sigh of relief that the ENTIRE world had finally stopped and we could all get the hell off and catch our breath for a minute.

Sooner than we were ready, the world started slowly spinning again, and it's gaining velocity; soon, it will be back to the usual tempo, the same mind-splitting, breath-taking, keeping-up-with-the-Jones pace.  Before COVID, my dirty little secret, held deeply down beneath a thick veneer of education, training, preparation and overall busy-ness, was that it just a matter of time before I would make a little misstep, and all the spinning plates that I was holding up, various bits and pieces of my life, would come crashing down.  The pandemic certainly dulled the crash.  I disappeared, and some noticed, but many didn't.  Perhaps they looked the other way, pretended not to see.  They are dealing with their own issues, I get it.  

Here's the real question - why did it take just one misstep?  Why was I beneath this giant mass of spinning plates in the first place?  Why am I not allowed to make a mistake?  In one sense, I put myself there - I take responsibility for my part.  In another sense, I was completely abandoned by those I was trying my absolute very best to serve.  Not my family, and not my close friends - these people always got the very least of my time and energy, and gave me pass after pass when I couldn't be at an event for my son's school/go out with friends/manage to get to a planned self-care appointment/insert other life event here....because...work.  These same people have continued to stand with me when my workplace threw me out like so much unsavory trash on garbage day.  This is the same workplace for which I sacrificed hundreds of hours of time away from what was really important.  As more and more was asked of me, I, who always play by the rules, tell the truth, do the right thing, said "Yes, of course, I can do that."  When I started saying "I can't anymore", I was met with disappointment, disapproval, hostility, even threats.  FOR MY PATIENTS, I kept soldiering on, trying to do the right thing, unable to see my own human limitations.  

What I know today is I cannot do it all.  I should not do it all.  I don't want to do it all.  I don't have to do it all.  I need a lot of help, and if I do not have that help, I don't have to do it. I don't have to put my shoulder down, struggle through, be a martyr.  Nope.  Not today.  I have nothing to prove to anyone.  They have stolen the heart from inside me, but this does not define me.  I know who I am.  

Burns finishes out his nihilistic poem with the following wistful stanza:

"Still you are blessed compared with me
Only the present touches you
But oh, I cast my eye backward
On dreary prospects!
And forward, though I cannot see,
I guess and fear!"

I refuse. I refuse to cast my gaze backward and wallow in the pain, and I refuse to fear the upcoming unknown. No, Mr. Burns. Just no. HARD NO.

Because this is it, folks. This is the day. The only day. Maybe it all amounts to nothing in the end, maybe it gets all torn to bits and shreds, but that's not right here and right now, so I might as well BE HERE. Today is all I've got, and I've got SO MUCH TODAY! I am going to open my arms wide and lift up my face. I will LOVE, LAUGH, LEARN. I will lean into the wave crashing over my head and come up GASPING with excitement. When I work, I will lean into the work, and when I leave the hospital, I will leave it behind. When something unpleasant needs to be done, I will do it efficiently and humbly and thank the universe for my blessings. The outcome is not in my hands, and neither is the process sometimes. My powerlessness is huge and what I can control so limited. Plans, schemes, expectations, busy-ness be damned! 

Here's what really matters:

Good friends Layla and Vivi Martin - our last pre-COVID visitors

Funny faces

Jammies, iPad and headphones - this is the life!

Little man can still fit on my lap.

Reading before bedtime

Sunrise over Hillsborough Bay.

Walking with Auntie Kimmy on Weedon Island

Bedtime....

Our first COVID family airplane trip - to Indianapolis.

Love this guy.

So grateful to live close to the beach...

Walking on St Pete Beach looking for shells with Auntie Kimmy.

Good times with Mason, Rafa and Charlie Girl.

Date night with my main squeeze at Paradiso.

Too cool for school...

Warmest jammies ever!  Perfect for Pennsylvania.

Masks 'r' us

Another bedtime....

Reveling in the Porsche Experience.

Enjoying a visit with Uncle Dany and Aunt Andrea.

Another stripe!  Hi 5 with Master Josh

Hurricane Party with Cousins Lorena and Gaby.

Ice cream face...

WhatsApp Family Chat

Rafa and Grace

Getting creative for Rafa's 8th birthday party.

Ramen noodles....

I am so grateful for these moments from the past year, and so many others too.  This is the meaning.  This is what's important.  This, MORE of this, is what I work for.  I want to work as little as possible so that my work does not infringe on my LIFE.  I don't have anything left to prove to anyone.  

This year's word is HUMILITY. I grovel before no one. I know who I am. So it is, and so it should be. Thank you universe for these lessons. Keep them coming.

Rising from the Ashes (Independence Day)

When I lived in Miami, I began seeing a therapist at the suggestion of my fellowship program director, due to a comment I made about being happier if I were not a mother.  While I adored my very son, that statement was still true at that time in my life, so I agreed.  Certainly, the challenges I was experiencing were significant and my ability to cope with them was limited.  At some point during our association, which lasted the full two years I stayed in Miami, this gestalt therapist asked me to ponder the following question: "What does I mean?"  

If you take away Tara the mother, Tara the wife, Tara the doctor, the surgeon, the daughter, the sister, if you remove all the labels - what is left?  What is my essence? What makes me authentically me?

It was a question to which I did not have an immediate response at the time.  It took me many months of thought to develop an answer, proving that I did not actually know who I was at that time.  I could not quite put my finger on it.  I had spent many previous years letting go of my essence to transform myself into something that I thought was successful in the current era.  In fact, I was quite good at becoming successful as defined by the modern world - I have always been an overachiever according to contemporary standards.  In order to succeed by these standards, however, parts of me were buried quite deeply and it took many months for them to re-surface once I started looking for them.   

The journey was not helped of course by the fact that I was still working 14 hour days, up with the dragon every 2 hours at night, feeling like I was still failing as a mom, though doing decently as a surgeon.  I am so thankful for all the support that I had during that time, from my husband, my parents and in-laws and friends.  They propped me up, kept my family going so that I could drop in and visit once in a while.  

One Saturday morning I was in savasana at the end of a rare yoga class on a precious day off, as I lost myself in relaxing, meditative music swirling around me.  I suddenly thought "THIS.  This is it.  MUSIC.  I am a person who loves music.  They will never take that away from me."  And so the journey began.  The next thoughts came quickly to me thereafter in the following days - DOGS.  BABIES.  WATER.  Things that inspire pure unadulterated joy in me.  These things cannot be taken away from me.  This is WHO I AM.   

However, in the past 4 1/2 years during my first full-time job in pediatric surgery, WHO I AM has continued to be buried beneath Tara the surgeon.  Tara the mother and Tara the wife have continued to take a far second and third place to Tara the surgeon, and though my family has been extremely patient with me and with my career, the tension I have experienced from my unhealthy prioritization of my work has continued to build and simmer, until it finally erupted around February of this year.  It felt like all the spinning plates I had been holding up, barely, for so long, began to come crashing down around me.    

Suddenly, the external trappings of my identity were stripped, brutally and cruelly.  The decade plus of training, for what now?  I have spent the past three months fighting this injustice, using every tool possible at my disposal, asking for help and grabbing on to it because this whole situation WAY exceeds my own skills and ability.  The painstakingly slow process of restoring my reputation will continue for months, possibly years, and I may never be able to return to the way I used to be.  

In the past month, I began reading Untamed, by Glennon Doyle, which eloquently describes the burning and rising from the ashes of a truer, more beautiful, more authentic life.  The very engaging prose in the book hooked me, enchanted me, made me dream of what my personal phoenix could look like.  

And then this past weekend, on July 4th, I heard (again, but it felt like it was for the first time) this interlude from Moana which can be found in the video clip below.  

Here's the link just in case: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f81_F16rDlI

In the ensuing week, I watched it over and over, enthralled, at times tearful.  I was obsessed.  I could not stop playing it over and over.  I am Te Ka, the seething, burning lava monster.  They have stolen the heart from inside me.  I am enraged, in agony.  But I am also Moana, the softly singing voice that stands straight and sure and tall and says "This does not define you."   I felt seen, I felt liberated, freed from the cage of the accusations against me.  This story will be continued, but this is today's ending:  I will rise!  You who think you have torn me down have only given me the material to rebuild myself bigger, better, stronger, more true.  

I can't say it much better than the great poet, activist and award-winning country music icon Martina McBride :)

Let freedom ring

Let the white dove sing

Let the whole world know that today is the day of reckoning

Let the weak be strong

Let the right be wrong

Roll that stone away

Let the guilty pay

It's Independence Day!

Where does the time go?

I wrote this in the Summer of 2018 and found it when I was looking back at my blog - it is as pertinent now as it was then....the struggle continues:  

In my last post I ended by giving thanks for my many blessings, and in all truthfulness they have multiplied many times since then.  Since I last wrote, the dragon turned five, lost seven teeth, and graduated from Pre-K.  We sent Mugen back to the universe to join Winston and Teddy on the rainbow bridge.  There have been jiu-jitsu and ukelele lessons, ballet and soccer classes, birthday parties and hundreds of hours in the swimming pool.  Auntie Kimmy lived with us for over a year.  We have had visitors from Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Maryland, California, Ecuador.  Could it have been that short and that long?  Sigh...

I started this blog desperately seeking an answer to the incessant forward motion of the universe.  Today, there is no answer.  But there is a stolen kiss, a belly laugh, a wink and a grin, the scent of the ocean, the water enveloping your skin softly, the grittiness of the sand between your toes, the sun sinking into the sea and spraying bands of color across the clouds.  There is a tense word, a silent tear, a deep breath, a tiny crack in the armor, a fierce hug.  Every day there is a moment of thanksgiving, a moment of sadness, an instant of euphoria and a short but profound spiral into a cocoon of despair.  From these moments we emerge, brand new, wings spreading, ready to fly, to plant our seeds, to continue the cycle once again.  Up, down, over and over the cycle continues.  This too shall pass. 

I am torn, split between clutching the moment greedily and letting it fly free to the universe.  I know the struggle is futile, the universe moves only in one direction.  The corners of my mouth lift - free will?  Not really.  The destination is pre-determined.  A weight I did not realize I was carrying lifts off of my shoulders and I feel suddenly lighter.  I am free to immerse myself in the journey.  Thank you, universe, for the journey. 

The dragon is growing up

Rafa will turn four in October.  Last measurements at the ENT office in March were 46 inches and 45 pounds.  Size 12 (wide) shoes. He wants to be Captain America when he grows up.  He can now say "Garbage truck" and "Dump truck" properly (sniffle), but he still says "sca-betti" (spaghetti) and "belt-seat" (seat belt).  He understands English and Spanish perfectly, but he speaks mostly English, with some Spanglish mixed in.  (Papi, esto se aña?)  He still loves to snuggle.  His favorite color is green, most days.  He potty trained in the daytime between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and about two weeks ago stopped wearing a nighttime diaper.  He is even starting to outgrow his afternoon nap...

Betty is staying with us for five weeks and this morning, in lieu of breakfast, he snuck into the pantry with her, showed her the cookies and put his finger to his lips.  As she opened the package, the wrapper crinkled noisily and he covered his ears with his hands, admonishing her to keep quiet.  She held up one finger, and he held up two fingers.  She could not resist.  He got two cookies for breakfast.  Snuck out of the pantry and ran to the couch to eat his breakfast "secretly".  Stinker.  He has the whole world wrapped around his little finger.

At night, after we read and before we fall asleep, we ask the universe to watch over the people we love, including his grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends near and far away.  And his big brother Jack (imaginary, I suppose; he likes to blame Jack for "accidents" that happen around the house).  We say "good night universe" and we settle in to sleep.

Last night I heard him coming up the stairs with his Dad while I was stretching, and he was saying "I'm going to ask Mommy, 'Mommy, you want to sleep with me?' and she will say to me 'yes, I'll come.'"  Diego and I just looked at each other.  He knows he is loved.  He is powerful.

This morning, after Diego left to play basketball, he crawled into our bed with me and slept for two more hours with his blanket, pillow and monkey.  I woke up before he did and watched his beautiful sleeping face, so peaceful and oblivious.  His little mouth twitched like he was talking in his dreams.  I was so thankful for the stillness and beauty of that moment.  

The last year has been one of new beginnings.  A new home, new job, new city, new friends, new furniture, new patients, new relationships, new problems!  New restaurants, new pediatrician, new dentist, new masseuse, new yoga studio.  I thank the universe I have such a solid foundation in my husband and family.  We are settling into Tampa, finding our place here.  I am in love with it; the sun, the warmth, the moisture and salt smell of the sea water make me feel calm and protected.

Every now and then we contemplate adding a new person to the family...but my mind shrinks from the intense difficulty that brought us.  I know the situation is different now, and believe me, I would not change the past four years for anything, but I am finally starting to enjoy my life again.  And my mind rebels against the thought of starting all over again.  My heart says maybe it would be easier this time.  My mind shrieks, "Are you crazy???  Do you remember how you were tied to that pump for 15 months???"

Our rooster Mugen is slowing down.  We celebrate every single day with him; we do not know when he will need to leave us.  My gut yearns for another greyhound, another baby; my mind takes a deep breath and says "Enjoy what you have.  Love them deeply and ferociously while you can.  Live your life now."  I will heed these words.  I will look around myself and be satisfied.  I will take a deep breath, close my eyes and thank the universe for its generosity in rewarding me with this; healthy family, spacious, clean home, full refrigerator, fulfilling career, sun and warmth and water all around me.  I will be satisfied just for today.

The Dragon Turns Two...And Then Three

My little dragon is getting so big. He just turned two.  He is well over three feet tall, and 30 solid muscular pounds.  He is stubborn, willful and mischievous.  He is stunningly beautiful.  He is sensitive, and he is brave.  On his birthday, I looked back through my mind's files on our delivery and I find it very washy.  The lines in my memory's photos are very blurry.  The pain is so distant.  Today, the pleasure of having a happy, healthy dragon is intense.  I feel my good fortune deeply every day.

Yesterday, he read me the stop sign, "S-T-Oval-RED!"  This morning when I knocked my glasses off the nightstand, he said "Oh, no!  Mommy glasses down!"  Every time he says something new, I marvel!  I know millions of children have said things for the first time millions of times in the history of the Earth, but for me, he makes everything around me new again.  He makes connections every minute of every day that make me rethink my comfortable paradigms.

He loves being outside.  We walk around the apartment complex.  He shows us ants, spiders, bugs, lizards, butterflies, snails.  He picks up big chunks of rock and throws them into bushes.  He points out the airplanes and the helicopters, the motorcycles and the moon.

He still loves to snuggle at night.  Every time I hold him and he puts his head on my shoulder, even if he is mad or crying, I thank the spirit of the universe for this time, this moment.  I never know when it may be the last time I hold him like that.

Of course, his favorite words are No and Mine.  He's two after all.



I haven't posted on this blog for almost 18 months.  I found this old saved draft from last October.  He just turned three last week.  Over 40 inches and 40 pounds.  Size 11 (wide) shoes.  Still stubborn, willful and mischievous.  Still beautiful, sensitive and brave.  Speaks two languages.  Challenges me minute to minute, mostly in good ways.

The dragon in minion pajamas, sporting a hard hat and wielding a drill.

Every time we pass a "bargage" truck, a "ment mixer" or a "bunp-trunk", he points it out and tells us what color it is.  We have learned new words from him, like "frontloader" and "exacator" (excavator).  He counts to twenty in English and Spanish.  Sings "Opa Donald had a farm" and the alphabet song (he usually mumbles his way through L-M-N-O on his way from K to P).  He loves to play in the dirt with his construction trucks, moving earth from one place to another.  He loves guns (GASP!) and "Light Da'Queen" (Lightning McQueen), Mater, Sally, Mack and Dusty Crophopper.

He finally started sleeping through the night a couple of months after his ear surgery and now we no longer dread going to bed, not knowing when we will be awakened.  But the first two years, boy were they hard.  So hard, we have not even thought twice about having a second child...I worry it would destroy me in so many ways and I am just now building myself back up.

We had a tumultuous summer - after graduating fellowship and leaving Miami, we spent a week in Bradenton, 5 weeks in Ecuador including a long weekend in the Galapagos, a week in Tampa, and two weeks in Huntsville before moving into our new home.  Then we found out it had termites and had to move out again for three days to have it tented!  We have had many visitors, Barbara and Jerry, Mom and Dad, Betty, Santiago and Cristina.  Santy and Cris came to the US to run the Chicago marathon last weekend, with Diego.  What a stupendous event!

Miami Children's Daycare had a farewell sign and party for Rafa.

 

We will never forget all the great friends we made in Miami!!!

Eating cotton candy in Carolina park

Despite the tumult, we have been able to relax a little bit too.  Not having to work for 2 1/2 months was a first time experience for me (since high school anyway!) and allowed me to unwind a little bit and transition into my new life. It took Rafa a while to get used to seeing me all the time.

I studied for and took my written pediatric surgery boards, submitted two papers and am now working on a presentation for the end of the month at a national meeting.  While in Ecuador, I had vision correction surgery, and am now corrective lens FREE!!!

We've been able to slowly work on potty training.  He's getting really good at telling us when he needs the bathroom.  I was never worried that it wouldn't happen, even though he is on the older side for it.  He's always been slow at those sorts of things...but still, you always worry as a parent.  Even though you know things are going to eventually work themselves out.

Making homemade playdough in Betty's kitchen.

Boy, was I ready to start back to work!  Everyone here at the hospital has been super.  They are so happy to have me here; everyone has been unbelievably welcoming and accommodating.  I feel appreciated and useful!  And my schedule is, well MINE.  That sacred space I talked about before- now is the time when I can make it.  I am so thankful to be at this point in my life, finally, after what seems like too many years of racing (or trudging) to this goal.  I am so thankful to be done with that marathon.

Running in the old airport, Cotopaxi in the background.

And on that note, I started running again.  I really enjoy it.  I signed up for some more races, like the West Palm Beach Half this coming December.  And, I hope to do the full Pittsburgh marathon next spring - which leads me to the (hopefully) second semiannual reunion of Team Awesome!!!  Having a target helps give me the motivation I need to actually do the "legwork," all the long training runs.  Starting back running in Ecuador was pretty tough, given the lack of oxygen at 9300 feet above sea level, but if there's anything I've learned in my time running, it's slow and steady.  Start small.  Take baby steps.  And enjoy the journey.  You'll get to the destination soon enough.

Long runs with my suegrito.

A thankfully brief stop in the ER in Quito when Rafa had severe vomiting from gastroenteritis and needed IV fluids and medications.  Total bill: $220.

Getting spoiled by Beticita with breakfast in bed.

Walking amongst Abuelito Edison's coffee plants.

Digging holes in Papá Nelson's backyard.

Picking mandarin oranges in Checa.

The gang: Diego, Tara, Dany, Andreita, Santiago

Watching iPad with Tía Cris

Two blessedly temperate weeks in Huntsville in August - we got lots of good porch sitting under our belts.

Running around in Oma and Opa's huge backyard.  We loved being in Huntsville!!!

Team Awesome's First Semiannual Reunion Weekend

You guys know I'm always training for something.  When I moved to Miami, I decided to sign up for the Miami Marathon.

I was 9 months postpartum, still had 30 pounds of excess baby weight to lose and desperately needed an excuse to make myself exercise.

When I mentioned signing up for the marathon to my awesome running group from Pittsburgh, they decided there was NO better time to visit Miami from Pittsburgh than early February!  It just happened to be below zero degrees in Pittsburgh and nice and balmy in Miami.  I barely had to convince them.

So we all started training together.  Amanda, our VP of navigation, had just finished a half Ironman triathlon and is now training for a full Ironman!  Katelyn, the Beachbody coach and our VP of candy consumption, Diego and I definitely all had some catchup work to do though!

The good news is that it did help kickstart me into reintroducing some of those healthy exercise habits back into my overstuffed life.

The bad news is that for pretty much every minute of my very limited free time, I was running or planning a run.  I didn't quite ramp up my mileage quick enough to do a full marathon, and to be perfectly honest, I think at the bottom of my heart I didn't really want to anyway.  The baby was still keeping me up late at nights, I was getting up at 4am to run into work, I was exhausted.

But I tell you what, I was really looking forward to gathering Team Awesome around me again.

And in addition, my brother-in-law, Santiago, had also been training to run the marathon and he and my sister-in-law Cristina came from Quito to Miami for a week to see us and participate as well!   And my Mom and Dad were also visiting us at the time, which made it even more fun and special.

We had a truly awesome long weekend together.  Santy and Cris arrived Thursday night, just after we returned from San Diego, where I had taken my boards on Wednesday, flown all night to arrive in Miami on Thursday morning just in time to go to work and take out a kidney and a half in a baby with tumors.  Amanda and Katelyn arrived Friday night and Team Awesome was officially reunited!!!

I truly thank them for taking a weekend out of their busy lives to travel such a long distance to spend such a nice weekend with us!  Who else has friends that would travel so far only to run 13 miles???

On Saturday we went to the Expo in the morning after a nice big breakfast.  We got our racing numbers and T-shirts and stocked up on our favorite running snacks.

They had flags from the country of every participant!

Here's a team awesome Miami Marathon Expo photo!  With honorary members Santiago and Cristina.

That night, we rook my Dad out to dinner for his 65th birthday to celebrate.  Kimmy drove down to meet us for dinner.

Opa and the dragon, dressed in his Sunday best outfit to celebrate Opa's 65th birthday

Enjoying a glass of wine before dinner

Happy 65th birthday Dad!!!  Live strong and live long, to see the dragon grow up and flourish!

After a very pleasant dinner, we headed home to crawl into bed, knowing we had an early morning the next day.  The race started at 630am, to try and beat the heat.  That meant we were up at 430, at the train station by 500, headed downtown on the 515 train.  We arrived to the start line around 600am.

Cristina stayed home to watch the dragon.  They both survived!  And it looks like the dragon at least is having a good time ;)

Santiago and Amanda split off to go to their fast people's corral.  Diego, Katelyn and I stuck together in the slowpoke's corral.

Here are some pre-race pics:

Starting the morning out with pre-marathon cereal.

Poor Amanda is always the first one ready and has to wait on us!

Ready to kick some a$$!

Waiting for the crack of dawn train into downtown Miami

The race start line just in front of the American Airlines basketball arena

The race had a graded start, so each corral started at a different time.  We were in one of the last corrals, so we didn't actually start until about 45 minutes after the start gun went off.  By that time, the sun was starting to come up.

The race course was beautiful - a run through paradise itself.  It was HOT and HUMID though, especially towards the end with the sun coming up and shade becoming scarce.  I'm not sure if this is common in February, but it felt like a very warm day for a marathon.  Around mile 10, Diego and I left Katelyn behind as she was slowing down to finish the race at a slower pace.  Around mile 12, Diego said to me, "I feel really good.  I think I am going to do the whole thing."  I said, "Are you crazy?!?!?  I think you are going to regret that decision."  But as we got closer to the split point, which was just before the half marathon ended, he became more resolute.  "I'm doing it."

So he split off and I waved goodbye.  I thought he was going to die of heatstroke....

Luckily, just after I finished the half marathon, and in the nick of time to cool things down for the marathoners, it started to rain, first a sprinkle and then a downpour!  Most people took shelter from the rain.  I looked around for Amanda, who I expected to finish the Half about 30 minutes ahead of me, then I elbowed my way to a prime lookout spot 500 feet from the finish line so I could keep a lookout for Santiago, who I knew would finish the Full soon after us, and now also Diego who I hoped would take his time, finish the Full and just plain not kill himself.

I was thankful for the rain to cool everyone down a little bit, although wet clothes certainly chafe more...

Santiago finished and we cheered, but his head was down powering through to the finish so he didn't see us until he exited the finisher's area.  He had a tough race, with the unexpected heat.  But he finished!!

It was another hour before we finally saw Diego coming around the bend.  In the meantime, I saw a lot of people get their first glimpse of the actual finish line.  There was determination, there was joy, there was pain, there was sheer exhaustion, there was even occasional nonchalance.  There were tears, exclamations, and embraces.  There was even a couple of collapses with the camera-worthy moment where two finishers picked a guy up on either side and carried him across the finish line.   It was a very emotional morning.  My heart was full.  Unfortunately, my cell phone battery was....DEAD.  So the rest of the photos are from the Paparazzo himself.  I was filled with relief when he finally turned the corner!

Last mile!!!  Boy it's hot!

I don't know how his battery made it with 41% left!!!  Mine was dead just after I hit the finish line...

Post race photos:

Team Awesome represents post-race!  Crawling up the stairs to the metro.

Once we got home, we ordered takeout and in a very short time blew through 4 pizzas and something like 50 wings.  Heck we had just burned about 50 million calories between the 5 of us, so whatev.  Plus, this is another thing Team Awesome is VERY good at - eating.  Or talking about what we're gonna eat once we finish running!  Many of us took a nap too... We had to drive them to the airport the next day so that we could all go on with our lives...sigh, sniffle.  

What a great weekend it was all together!!! 

In the past two months since the race, I've been thinking very seriously about races, running, etc.  My body does not get enough exercise because of my work, that's something I know.  Races help challenge me to keep physically fit despite my busy schedule, but then I spend a LOT of my very scarce free time running.  Recently, I have made a choice to spend more time doing yoga, which I feel help with a lot of my physical ailments, the aches and pains I have from standing on my feet for hours craning my neck and eyes to look down at tiny sleeping bodies.  It helps soothe the mental torment, calm the internal storm of working with difficult people, difficult patients, difficult situations.  It helps to center me.  

So does running of course....it's just harder on the joints.  Someday I will find the perfect balance.  

For now though, I find myself without an upcoming race....nothing to train for.  At a bit of a loss.  

I miss Team Awesome.  Our connection is so special and precious, and filled such a huge need in our lives while we were in Pittsburgh.  But now all the members have moved their separate ways.  Amanda is a big bad for-real triathlete!  Katelyn is a super-awesome Beachbody coach and motivator.  And I am considering making running just an occasional thing.  I suppose this is how the universe functions.  People are drawn together unexpectedly to fill each other's needs, then drift apart when the time is right.  I am so fortunate to have Team Awesome as a part of my life, past, present and future, running or not!!!

So, when, where, how is the next semiannual reunion of Team Awesome taking place?  Still TBD...

Keep checking back!  I'll keep you posted.  

Diego's shiny supernails getting ready to blow them all away!!!